Oh, Shart! Alert: 5 Rabid Cows On The Mooooove

Oh, Shart! Angry cows organize against farmers and terrorize local population in a hi-steaks game of cat and moose.

On Monday, police officers in the Cheyenne area spotted five renegade cows storming the capital of Wyoming in what appeared to be a revolt against living conditions that the Bos bellowed were inhoomane.

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“They’ve had enough. Now, this farmer wants to overturn the cow’s right to moo, I don’t blame them. They’re trying to save their farm, their right to chew, how they mooo,” said one man familiar with the story who asked that his headshot be shared but wished to remain anonymous.

Police reported the low-speed pursuit to local station KGAB.

“Early this morning, it was reported that five suspicious subjects were hoofing it across Dell Range Boulevard. Officers quickly located the subjects, who were uncooperative, and initiated a low-speed ‘pursuit.’”

Cows are organizing against the man

This isn’t the first time the world’s Taurus familia has revolted against ranchers. Last year, one bull started trending on social after bucking the butcher for a ride at an amusement park.

And just two weeks ago, a group of cows escaped a Nativity scene in North Carolina after protesting their pay for the day.

“They told them to get back to work,” a person familiar with the Nativity show said, “but all they want to do is stand around moooing all day. They’re not asking the cows for much. I’m like, what is this shart?”

What’s more, after busting out of Bethlehem, the NC cattle gang disappeared into thin air. The escape drew crowds and ultimately ended with police knocking on doors to locate the runaway bums after the ringleader led them to cover from helicopter view under a gas station canopy.

Cows have had enough of this shart

The recent string of escapes comes on the heels of an LA Times report linking the poor treatment of cows to the feminist movement. The magazine argued that the “Moo Too” movement had arrived.

“Most female dairy cows struggle […]. And that’s to say nothing of other painful procedures or what they face later: de-horning, tail-docking, truck rides to a slaughterhouse and then a stun bolt to the head.”

Cows and their allies have even begun protesting their portrayal in film as helpless and incompetent.

“They’re far more sturdy than horses, yet, films like Nope continue to push the narrative that only horses can be represented on the big screen in a way that audiences can relate to,” said one advocate who reads Peta news daily, “Instead, they’re hell-bent on type-casting cows as sources of milk.”

At the same time, fans of Peta have called for new measures to be put in place so that news of cows escaping doesn’t pop up in their Twitter feed.

“It’s just so horrible,” said one Peta reader. “The world can’t move on from cows, but I just don’t have it in me to read about them while I drink coffee anymore; it’s just too painful.”

What can we expect from the cows next?

With the cows now safely secured back at the ranch, the question is: what’s their next moove?

“They’re going to look at all their options,” said a spokesman for the Wyoming lot. “Can they escape again? Do they cut off the milk spicket? Can they even do that? Those are questions we hope to answer in the coming days and weeks.”

In any case, the scare caused a bit of commotion in Cheyenne. Prompting many to question whether the local police how the situation under control.

“You just can’t have it,” said one Wyomingite, “you can’t have cows going around storming and terrorizing the capital; they just need to settle down and stay out of the media.”

If you spot runaway cows in your area please contact a local non-emergency number.