Homeless Man On New Laws Against Camps: I Have Like, 2 Options Man
In light of new laws against homeless encampments on the public right of way, “temporarily un-housed” individuals across the country now face a new threat: running out of options.
Christopher “Spare Change” Biggins says the new laws have forced him to rethink his situation.
“Basically, I have, like, two options, man. Move my cart or go back to work. It’s rough out here.”
Voters have questioned whether removing tents from city sidewalks will actually have an impact, “the city looks like a shithole anyway, now we have to help these people find jobs and share our homes? No thanks,” said one LA resident.
Spare Change Biggins says no one on Spring Street asked for these laws or anyone’s help, “We don’t need their jobs or a home. That’s the point, I’m home…less…get it? I just need a dollar eighty for a hot dog combo. Shit, I’m homeless, not toothless.”
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Homeless population has thrived under brave laws in California
California Assembly speaker, Democrat Toni Jensen, boasted about the benefits of keeping the homeless population on city sidewalks at a Wounded Warriors event in 2021.
“Look, it’s expensive to maintain care facilities in California. On top of keeping staff for medication, we’ve got to keep toilet paper stocked, loose dollars, and spare change. Who has time for that? On the street, we’ve already got drug dealers, old newspapers, and suckers who hand out money at every red light. And the homeless population has thrived in these conditions. It’s perfect, honestly. I applaud the governor for his bravery.”
Jensen was pressed about the impact homeless camps have had on pedestrian safety and their ability to navigate the city, particularly for pregnant mothers and persons with disabilities.
“Oh, yea. Well…fuck’em,” Jensen added, “Look, I won’t sugarcoat it, they’ve had their day; the homeless need more from us now. It’s time to give.”
But while some voters see side-stepping human feces on the sidewalk as a meaningful way to stay sharp in the morning, some question Assemblyman Jensen’s optimism.
LA residents pick up their hoses
In some corners of the city, the homed community has begun to fight back against un-housed population growth. Just a few weeks ago, Neighborhood Parks Association President, Amante de las Casas, said that Monday marked a new beginning in east LA.
“It isn’t personal. But come 6:00 a.m. tomorrow morning; I’m getting the hose out again. I mean honestly, it’s the humane thing to do; they smell like shit.”
Amante received praise last week when a video of him fending off a homeless woman with tetanus went viral. Though one homeless man, who goes by “Broke-Ass Stuart” on Twitter, complained that her cries for help were too loud.
Meanwhile, some residents have begun to install anti homeless lights, purple light configurations that repel homeless people who are attracted to dimly light places.
Others, impatiently waiting for new camp laws to take effect, escalated the beef on Tuesday evening.
“This is pretty much everywhere we go now,” said Spare Change, “it’s either too wet, too bright, or too broke. And now they want us off the sidewalks and back into houses. Shit doesn’t get any worse than this.”
The National Alliance To End Homelessness Persecution had this to say, “They’re not bad. I know everyone is riled up over the Hatchet Wielding Hitchhiker, but even Elon Musk doesn’t have a home. So what? Some rich yoga mom steps in some shit, and we’re just going to kick people off the street and put them in homes? Ok, the next thing you’ll be telling me is we need a hotel for homeless dogs. GTFOH.”
Visit KS.com to check out Spare Change’s Kickstarter campaign to prolong homelessness.
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About The Author
Kaleb Mac
Kaleb Mac is an entrepreneur and climate change activist. He enjoys hi-class conversations and the finer things of interest. After graduating summa cum laude, from the most exalted institution of higher learning, Kaleb Mac joined the Peace Corps and coordinated the release of 17 endangered lions. He delivered 4 cubs in the process.