Best Batman Actor On Middle Age Midriff Bulge: Hard 2 Fight Crime These Days

Being the best Batman is a tough business these days. From Ben Affleck to Robert Pattinson to Christian Bale and Michael Keaton, it’s never been more difficult to stand out on the big screen.

Especially given the David Zaslav and James Gunn massacre at Warner Bros, unfolding right in front of our eyes; now, Batman alums are speaking out about the barriers middle-aged white men face when donning the cape and cowl: the midriff bulge.

“I’m sorry, you just can’t be the best Batman when you can’t look down and see your toes.”

Related: Wah! Ray Fisher Drops Snarky Shart, Refuses 2 Move On From DC

So, who is the best Batman?

Ah, the debate that never ends. While most fans have argued the legendary Adam West gave us the most comically accurate version of the World’s Greatest Detective in the 60s, West says his midriff put him at a real disadvantage as he pushed into his mid-40s.

“Look, I was just frail. One time I looked down to tighten my Bat boots, and I nearly tipped over. And the thing is, I didn’t even need to mess with my boots, but my midriff blocked my view, I had no idea. Just an unnecessary hazard white men face after they hit 45. It’s a curse I’m not sure anyone can overcome; you can’t be the best Batman if you’re approaching your third act; I’m 100 percent convinced at this point. It’s hard to fight crime these days.” West said at Batcon 2016.

Meanwhile, Christian Bale, arguably the best Batman of the 21st century, says it wasn’t the midriff that prevented him from pulling it off in his threequel series.

“Er vas my voice,” Bale said. “I talk like this to cover up my British accent, but I declared war on my midriff a long time ago; basically, I didn’t eat anything but celery in the months leading up to Batman Begins. So, I don’t know about the rest of these geezers, but Christian Bale doesn’t have a midriff.”

Ben Affleck says his midriff bulge made him frail

“You know, people see you wrapped in this costume, but at my age, you’re struggling to deliver your lines in that rib-breaker,” Affleck says. “My midriff bulge really put things into perspective for me. I couldn’t fit into the costume, I just felt tired and frail, and I think it impacted my temperament. If I was as lean as Henry Cavill it probably would have helped me focus on becoming the best Batman. But this asshole won’t even share his diet and workout routine. That’s likely why James Gunn cut him from the DCU. Good riddance, lean and selfish gaming motherlover.”

Affleck admits his midriff has gotten worse since he started working at Dunkin Donuts.

“Look, no question I’m adding mass to my midriff working at Dunkin Donuts, but Jen is driving me nuts; what can I do?” Ben said.

Having a midriff has health consequences beyond being the best Batman

Of course, some Batman actors have avoided the midriff bulge entirely, at least so far. Robert Pattinson, arguably the worst Batman yet, says he keeps his midriff bulge at bay by sticking to a Jamba juice diet and carrot-beet energy drink concoction.

“Keeping my nutrients low, not only puts the kibosh on a midriff bulge that could easily make my Batman even worse, but it also helps me maintain that ‘sickly, emo-ish, sad face’ that fans have come to love, which may be why James Gunn kept me; sorry kids, daddy don’t do midriffs.”

Apparently, obesity (the leading cause of the midriff bulge) is a bad thing after all, which medical professionals claim, “results in reduced muscle strength and function,” says coauthor Shreeshti Uchai, a doctoral research fellow in nutritional epidemiology at the University of Oslo in Tromsø, Norway, in a statement obtained by the Snarky Shart.

“If you want to be the best Batman, you’re first step is cutting back on fats and oils. Things like Po Boy sandwiches, favorites of the Penguin, they just aren’t going to add value to someone who needs to fit into a suit that isn’t designed for performers with a healthy midriff bulge.”

According to the study, “The results highlight the need to stay on top of both overall weight gain and any rise in waist circumference, and to broaden the definition of frailty.”

The Snarky Shart caught up with someone who looked like Michael Keaton, the best Batman in the late 20th century, for his thoughts on claims made in the midriff bulge report.

“Yea no shit, I bird-dogged a midriff building when I shot Birdman and The Founder. I’m not going to lie, The Founder easily put three inches on my waist. But hey, I caught on early, made some changes to my diet, added a healthy helping of amphetamine to my weekends, and stomped out that midriff before it gained momentum. It may have been for nothing, I was hoping to reclaim the best Batman title in the Batgirl movie, but effin’ Zaslav put an end to that. Still, did you see me In Spider-Man? Flying around in that suit? Shit, I didn’t let some midriff bulge stop me there. But that’s how Keaton does it baby!”

Keeping the midriff bulge at bay

Medical professionals say that the only way to be the best Batman is to exercise regularly.

“Exercise can help counter the growing frailty that aging may bring. Adults should perform muscle-strengthening exercises involving all major muscle groups on at least two or more days each week, in addition to exercising at least two hours and 30 minutes per week at a moderate intensity, according to the US Department of Health and Human Services’ physical activity guidelines for Americans.”

Mark Hamill, who voices the Joker in the best Batman: Animated Series, says medical mumbo-jumbo is a waste of time for him.

“Look, I’m not trying to best the best Batman. I’m the Joker, so I can have a midriff bulge. And to be honest, I’ll do anything to fuck with these fat asses pretending to be the best Batman, so I wear my midriff bulge like a badge of honor. I mean, you saw me in Rise of Skywalker, right? I don’t give a shit, man.”