Man Robbed 7 Times After Move To Juárez: Shit, I Wouldn’t Change A Thing

Juárez, Mexico. After the seventh robbery walking home from his porter gig at Mercado Juarez, a Florida man says he wouldn’t do anything differently.

“Yea, I’ve taken a couple of bottles to the back of the head, got a rusty shank to the kidney that went septic, but shit, it’s better than child support,” the Florida man said.

The Florida man, who now prefers hombre de Juárez, says he moved to Mexico for the lower cost of living, dry air, and freedom from oppressive court-ordered child support payments.

Juárez is the new Camans

“Look, I’m a live and let live kind of guy, all I want is my freedom. And how free can you be when a Florida court orders 80% of your pay taken to raise your kids? It’s a racket. Juárez is like the Camans to the 9th District’s jurisdiction.”

Hombre de Juárez says that after leaving court for custody proceedings on his 8th child he nearly lost his license and wouldn’t have been able to make the trip, had he not put a little extra oomph into the getaway.

“I do feel bad for that clerk. She asked for my license so she could cut it up, and I was happy to just walk right past her, but she got in my way and I gave her the ole Florida back hand. I probably shouldn’t have done that.”

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Hombre de Juárez says that, aside from repeated robberies and stabbings on his walk home from his Calle Pollo porter job, things are going great.

“People have such negative opinions about Juárez, but honestly it’s what you make it. And for me, it’s perspective. I keep less than fifty pesos on me at all times, so every time I get robbed I just remind myself, ‘it’s either this or you fork up more than half your pay to the courts.'”

50 pesos seemed like a deal.

“Of course, there is serio crime here, most of it is against kids, but mine are safe up in Polk County Florida with their grandparents.”

Hombre de Juárez says that, while the stabbings have started to hurt more, he’s never looking back.

“Look, I wouldn’t change a thing. So say I go back to Polk County, settle down, find a job, and take care of my kids, there’s still one problem; I hate kids. So for me, its an obvious choice. Yea, you get poked every now and then, but you can’t beat $300 rent. Will things hurt more as I get older? Probably. The hospital visits are getting longer, but again, it’s either this or I’m running a kindergarten back home. No thank you. They can have it.”