Biden On 2023 Alien UFO Test: This Time, We Did The Probing

After a month of aliens and UFOs in the news, President Biden announced on Sunday that the US government’s secret alien UFO test was a success.

President Biden made the announcement in a secret bunker to the shock of his National Security apparatus.

The alien UFO test included the shoot down of three alien craft over the US in February and the successful insertion of a probe into a living alien in Wyoming named “Teddy.”

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Critics have concerns about Biden’s probe

Biden’s probe, nicknamed “the Biden Bomber,” has been the talk of the military establishment for quite some time now. Ever since the 90s era “Don’t ask don’t tell” policy instituted throughout the military’s ranks was established, any talk of the secretive probe was punishable by bondage and penisable in US courts.

Critics of the probe say that Biden’s new alien transmedium object, which is a silver tic tac looking device about the size of a pill bottle and can be inserted when the user is submerged under water or in any other climate, is just another bureaucratic gloryhole that the Biden administration and his family have become known for.

Scientists, on the other hand, argue the alien UFO test and probe have enormous benefits.

“First of all, it doesn’t hurt the alien, at all,” says scientist Richard Little. “To the contrary, we’ve observed the alien replicating some human behaviors, like leaving the procedure area ashamed but returning just hours later. We’ve also learned that this particular alien species has two anal cavaties, and thus, has multiple erogenous zones. We’re even looking at a multi-pronged prone for this species.”

Getting the probe in was most difficult part of alien UFO test

According to a top secret report released by Biden this weekend, the most difficult part of determining whether the entity the US captured at Roswell in the 1940s was actually an alien or a human being with unique genetic features was finding a way to insert the probe.

“It’s easy to put a probe in a man, just ask my son Hunter,” Biden said as he spoke to a horrified group of Air Force Intelligence Officers in Wyoming. “And we knew this thing looked like an alien, but you can never be too sure, best to put a probe in it.”

Biden says the task was especially difficult because Teddy, named after popular boxing legend Teddy Atlas, was tough as nails and hell bent to prevent officials from finding it’s anal cavity.

“For one, it didn’t appear to have an anal cavity, and of course, that’s the only way to really put a probe in anything,” Biden remarked. “Eventually, we decided to go a different way. It fought us tooth and nail when it saw the probe, but a nice dinner and steaming bath helped him come around.”

“Eventually, Teddy gave in,” Biden says, “and I think he’s considering a future on the Vegas strip or LA as an Only Fans content creator. But he was pretty worn out when we wrapped up the alien UFO test last week.”

US takes down alien craft and inserts alien probe in the same week

With so much speculation and hype over unidentified alien craft over the US in the last few weeks, many internet users have speculated that an alien invasion was imminent. However, Biden, with the help of Tom DeLonge, Lou Espinado, and Dr. Greer, managed to take down the remaining alien spacecraft that flew in with Teddy over 70 years ago.

“Not only have we shot down the last of Teddy’s armada, we’ve also aclimitized him to America. He’s been probed, successfully executed a Mississippi Birdbath, and has taken to an age-old US tradition of smoking after a procedure. We’re even hopeful Teddy will one day be able to perform a Flying Circus, but it’s difficult because his anal cavity isn’t as easily accessible as a human’s,” Biden added.

Will the US hear more about Biden’s probe and life in the universe?

Unfortunately, the probe is in beta mode right now, with its main function being pleasure and mapping the inner workings of Teddy’s alien body. However, in the future, Biden hopes to release currently classified documents that enumerate the role Teddy’s spacecraft play in alien reproductive processes and how the probe affected him, personally.

“God willing, we’ll soon know how to probe these aliens right when they land. I’m imagining we’ll have the capability to punch through their craft’s defences and insert probes right when they enter our airspace. Aliens need to know that, if you’re coming to America, we do the probing, and every US citizen knows it.”

Teddy, now known as AlienTrashKitty, was last seen sporting a human female’s skin and selling telepathetic probe experiences on Only Fans for $19.99.

Original: Alien UFO test a success, says Biden, but more tests remain