Biden Admin Says 5 Top Secret Files Were Mostly Soft Porn

The White House says it is cooperating with the US Justice Department after Obama-era soft porn files were discovered at a Biden think tank office last November.

“Ever since the discovery, we’ve taken special care to delete all the browsing history and cookies from every computer in the think tank’s office,” says Richard “Big Dick” Handler, a Biden soft porn curator during the Obama years now serving under Biden.

Big Dick’s statement followed reports from MrSin that suggested the classified soft porn files may include details of an upcoming nudity scene in a Hollywood production. “It’s great that Charlize Theron is getting nude more often, but when you classify that information and put the full weight of the US government behind it, you take on the responsibility of ensuring that information is kept in safe spaces,” said Mr. Sin. “As VP, Biden left Charlize Theron and anyone who viewed this material completely exposed and unprotected.”

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Classified soft porn causes presidential piss storm

The discovery lay bare some resemblance to the FBI’s recent seizure of classified documents from former president Donald Trump. The key difference is the depravity shown in the images (Trump’s files were not soft porn).

“See, with the Trump administration documents; we saw everything. From Russians peeing on the president to Dobermans having sex with German Shepherds. It was disgusting,” said Big Dick, “you just can’t breed a Doberman and a German Shepherd; it’s ungodly.”

The First Lady downplayed comparisons to the Trump administration, noting that everyone is going to see Charlize Theron in the nude at some point or another.

“Whether you see her nips in Tully, her legs in Long Shot, or even just a partial nude, like the one she gave us in that French Dior commercial, at some point, you’re going to see something from Charlize, and we think the American public can handle it now, there no reason for it to remain classified.”

Jill Biden also noted that nude photography had been around since at least her childhood, if not earlier.

“We’ve had nude film since Joe and I were kids, before movies even had sound, you could pay a nickel at the silent theater and get your rocks off, why is that such a big deal now?” Jill said.

Reporters demand explanation

On Monday, President Biden batted down several questions from reporters about the soft porn collection, but noted, “look, they weren’t always classified; they were just Charlize Theron picks before I decided that the images should be for my eyes only. Even Jill didn’t know, come on guys, do you know how much shit I’m getting over this right now? Give me a break.”

Meanwhile, former President Trump jumped on the opportunity to spin the find as a campaign issue.

“I have the best Charlize Theron picks; they’re huge, gigantic, people actually cry when they see them. But Charlize is small time, low energy; when I get back to the White House, I plan on stocking it with the best stuff from Ron Jeremy and Jenna Jameson. Those two are the tits.”