Captioning Technology Reveals How The Penis Comet Got Its Name

For years academics have disagreed about how legendary observer of things, William “Bobby” Badgernuts, managed to convince Newton to name the Penis Comet (also known as 19P/Borrelly). However, new captioning technology has finally revealed how Slick-Willy managed to convince the old stiff to go with the controversial designation for the now famous celestial body.

In the documentary, Menace from Outer Space, which spans the United Federation of the Solar System’s tenth and eleventh flight to space during the Eisenhower administration, Bobby asks Dr. Newton if he could name the next comet, which Newton isn’t keen on. However, just as it seems the matter is settled, Bobby whispers something to Newton that forces the head scientist to reverse course. A whisper that was once thought lost to history after Dr. Newton died of a heart attack in 1954 at the age of 69.

However, futuristic captioning technology has revealed what Bobby whispered to Dr. Newton on that fateful.

Captioning technology solves the decades-old mystery

In the scene, Dr. Newton, who’d been a bit of an asshole to Bobby about what they would name the comet earlier in the day, puts his hand on Bobby’s shoulder and tells him he can name the next one. Bobby persists, reminding Dr. Newton that he promised not to be a penis (he was a known dick in the scientific community) about who gets to do what, and Dr. Newton agrees to let him name it.

Up until now, that’s all we knew. When Dr. Newton asks Bobby what he’d like to call it, Bobby whispered something that wasn’t caught by microphones of the time. And before captioning technology, it was anyone’s guess what was said. However, thanks to YouTube’s exceptional auto-captioning feature, we now know it was all just a big misunderstanding.

Theory: Bobby began to see Dr. Newton as a penis

Bobby, who never learned to read or associate words with objects – spouting off nonsense for most of his life despite enormous success communicating with aliens in space using only his mind – whispers to Dr. Newton, “Gosh Penis! It’d be a dirty trick if my Comet landed on top of it.”

Dr. Newton, who would have benefited from captioning technology in his own right, must have misheard Bobby and assumed he wanted to name the comet Penis given his admiration of the renowned pseudoscientist and the doctor’s infamous reputation as one of the biggest dicks in astrology.

This explains so much about the documentary and the Penis Comet, given how ridiculously useless Bobby was for most of his life. It’ll be interesting to see how astronomers respond and whether they decide to give the Penis Comet a facelift.

What will they do now that captioning technology has revealed it was all just a big misunderstanding?