Senator Schumer’s 2023 Plan For Debt: Put It All On Red

House GOP Leader Kevin McCarthy responded to Schumer Tuesday morning, “so we put it all on red, what are you going to do with all those trillions if we win? Let me guess, more electric cars and birth control pills.”

Chuck Schumer has a plan, says McCarthy is out of touch

Chuck Schumer, a known shot-caller and whale out in Vegas where lavish spending on waterfalls and fool’s gold-plated ornaments is commonplace, says he knows exactly how to resolve the debt ceiling issue.

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“Look, we’re down 31 trillion. So what do you do? Shit man, you put it on red. I mean, you’ve got McCarthy playing Russian Roulette with Putin, flirting with not spending money in Eastern Europe. They don’t want to rattle Grandpa in his bunker, they don’t think there is any return there (in Ukraine). Fine. But we still need to figure this debt out, it just needs to go away. And I trust my gut, let it ride baby. I say we put it all on red.”

McCarthy, a known teetotaler and recovering gambling addict who, in the past, has made some pretty risky deals with his party and criticized the US’s bets in Vegas, said that Schumer is a man out of time, “for too long we’ve put the future of the American people on Schumer’s prowess as a scrupulous slot bunny, but you can’t ride the wave forever. He can say ‘put it on red’ all he wants, but I’m the captain now, and I say ‘no dice.'”

The sparring is likely to continue throughout the week as the Senate and House squabble over which bet to make, but the stakes couldn’t be higher. The right bet could effectively erase America’s deficit, while the wrong one would put the next three generations in poverty.

“All bets are off,” McCarthy said, “Schumer’s been hanging on for dear life at the same roulette table for 50 years, and he’s won some and lost some. But we can’t rely on the luck of the draw anymore, we’re down to the wire and we really need to play our cards right.”

Schumer says he’s not surprised to hear McCarthy push back. “Look, republicans have been playing with house money for so long, their last leader literally owned the casino, but it’s time to go back to tried and true ways to balance the budget. I say fuck it, put it all on red man.”

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